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We didn’t cry in front of each other: somehow sharing our tears would have made the whole nightmare even more unbearable.Having undressed, I put on my bathrobe before flopping onto my bed where I sobbed into the pillow until there were no more tears left. It felt like sand had replaced moisture in my ducts. Grief is exhausting, and crying always made me tired as well as providing the mother of all headaches.I fell asleep at some point, sheer exhaustion overtaking me. My mind shut off, like a window blind being pulled down to block out the dark of the night. Self-preservation, I suppose.Anyway, I awoke to Jermaine’s knock on my door. ‘Are you ready for something to eat, Tabitha?’ he asked, tentatively opening the door. ‘I’ve made your favourite, Jamaican chicken with rice.’‘I’m not hungry,’ I managed. ‘But I might fancy some later, just leave it in the fridge.’ I felt slightly ungrateful because his voice sounded so soft and caring and, of course, he’d made the effort to prepare a. Not quite a beauty, and never a model, but attractive. Someone given to sudden moments of quiet, of withdrawal. And what is the nature of "Judith's thing"? It's only partly defined. It's something she's still wrestling with. It's something she hasn't shared in great detail with lovers. But she flirts with it. She reads about it, all the time: for a woman, her pornography collection is remarkable. She thinks about it as she touches herself to sleep. In doctrinaire moments, thinking feminist thoughts, she shakes it off. Male dominance. Female passivity. The curse of our time. Poison of relationships. The paradigm that has infected and warped all forms of popular thought. And yet... she wants it. She wants to be controlled. So her weakness has been men who ask a bit too much, without giving her what she wants. A little male snottiness and do-as-you're-told is fine, provided she can get a buzz. She's had one or two who'll play light- hearted bondage games with her. But not to her.
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